As attention to domestic violence in mainstream society has gained momentum in the past decades, awareness about it has also grown in ethnic and minority communities. It is clear that many “model-minority” communities are far from immune from this scourge. It is therefore vital to understand what domestic violence means, the many forms violence can take, what must be done to address this crisis and how it connects to larger societal problems. This series of blogs will focus on these basic questions.
What is domestic violence?
By most definitions, domestic violence is a pattern of behavior that an abuser uses to gain power and control. This can be through physical, emotional, verbal, financial, sexual, psychological, or spiritual attacks and abuse. The abuse may range from verbal insults, degrading comments, threats, and isolation to physical violence, sexual violence, and even murder.
Domestic violence is like no other crime. Because the word domestic is associated with home and the home is a place of shelter, refuge, and protection from the difficulties of the outside world, the abuse, and attacks that happen within its confines often stay behind closed doors. Because it happens within the privacy of one’s home, the violence is even hidden from those who are closest to the victim.
What makes it ‘domestic’ violence?
According to the Violence Against Women Act of 1994, the term “domestic violence” refers to crimes committed by a current or former spouse of the victim or by a person with whom the victim shares a child in common or by a person who is cohabiting with or has cohabited with the victim as a spouse. It also includes crimes committed by a person similarly situated to a spouse of the victim or by any other person against an adult or youth victim who is protected from that person’s acts under the domestic or family violence laws of the jurisdiction.
Scholars, advocates, and service providers who have observed and studied abusive relationships have identified a typical pattern in abusive relationships. It is important to note that the pattern presented is typical and not universal. In this pattern, there are cycles of abuse that are repeated over and over again.
The four stages of this cycle are:
- Tension building
- Incident
- Making up
- Calm
Over time the violence can escalate in a spiral pattern such that the making up and calm stages may not take place.
Tension Building
- Abuser starts to get angry
- There is a breakdown of communication
- Victim feels the need to keep the abuser calm
- Tension becomes too much
- Victim feels like they are “walking on eggshells”
Incident
- Any type of abuse occurs (physical/sexual/emotional)
Making up
- Abuser may apologize for abuse
- Abuser may promise it will never happen again
- Abuser may blame the victim for causing the abuse
- Abuser may deny abuse took place or say it was not as bad as the victim claims
Calm
- Abuser acts like the abuse never happened
- Physical abuse may not be taking place
- Promises made during “making-up” may be met
- Victim may hope that the abuse is over
- Abuser may give gifts to the victim
The timeline of such cycles of abuse can be a span of a few hours to a few years. The fact that abuse may be taking place over many years results in it becoming ‘normalized’ and a way of living for the victim, the abuser, and children (if any). This is very harmful, leading to long term trauma and suffering both visible and invisible. It also indicates that once a pattern of abuse becomes established it is unlikely to disappear without intervention.
The power and control cycle of abuse is an important way of helping victims recognize their relationship or family situation as abusive.
In the next blog, We will write about the signs of different types of abuse.
Adapted from https://domesticviolence.org/cycle-of-violence/ and Hammer, J. 2019. Peaceful Families: American Muslim Efforts Against Domestic Violence. Princeton University Press NJ.
